YOUTH: HOW TO BE AWARE AND PREVENT ABUSE

CREATE A BODY SAFETY CIRCLE

As parents, we hope our children will come to us first if they need help. Unfortunately, no matter how strong our relationship with our child is, we cannot be sure that they will confide in us in the event they are sexually abused. 

 Accept that your child may seek help from another trusted adult. Discuss a group of people (about 5) that you both agree would be someone they should tell, if someone has broken the rules of body safety. This circle does not need to be limited to just family. Medical professionals and education providers are mandated reporters, which means they are required by law to report all abuse - even suspected abuse.

Once you have designated your trusted circle, inform them of how to handle disclosures of abuse. As parents, you may be the first line of defense for your children. However, it is best when everyone in a child's life is educated and prepared to protect them.

BE CAUTIOUS OF BRIBES

Abusers may attempt to bribe young kids with toys or candy, and use other tactics when it comes to older children. Teach your children to be aware of anyone that offers them something for no reason - not related to a birthday or holiday, for example. A bribe can be money, gifts, letting them play with a toy, etc. Teach them to listen to their instincts, and if somethings feels not quite right, they should refuse and come tell you.

For an older child, an abuser may use blackmail to intimidate a victim. For example, an abuser may use alcohol or drugs to take advantage of a victim, then convince the child that they will also be punished for doing something wrong if the abuse is reported. Let your child know that you are aware of this ploy. Assure them that you care more about their safety and you love them more than anyone who would blackmail or threaten them.

AUTHORITY

At some point you will feel comfortable leaving your child alone with older adults/peers that serve a role in your child's life whether it is a coach, teacher, troop leader, etc. It is not easy to get to know these people, you may only see them for a few minutes at a time, your child will probably know them better than you. If the person is a teen or young adult, kids may instantly be in awe of this person because they are older but not 'old', which may cause them to seek or take delight in attention from this person. 

This gives predators an opportunity to groom a child out of view of their own parents and establish a relationship that parents may know little or nothing about. To empower and have open communication with your children, ask them questions about their time spent with this person. Find out how your child feels about this person and what they learn from them.

Let your child know they should tell you if this person ever:

• Initiates physical contact (with them or others) that seem inappropriate
• If they ever try to communicate with your child (or other children) via text, call, or email
• Talks about inappropriate issues (drugs, alcohol, or sex)
• Tries to spend time with your child outside the scope of their role
• Gives them extra attention or seems to have a 'favorite' student/athlete
• Tries to lure or isolate your child from others or in an unfamiliar location

Let your child know that sometimes people may try to seem 'loving' or 'cool' to trick a child into doing something that is wrong. If your child know that you are smart enough to know these people exist they will be more likely to understand that this behavior is wrong, that you will believe them and that it is the right thing to tell you.

By the time kids are pre-teens most are wise enough to spot the 'pervy' or 'weird' adults. They may have a pet name for this person because they make inappropriate comments, is on Twitter/Facebook or has some kids' cell phone numbers and is 'socializing' with their players or students like they are 'one of them.' As responsible adults, it is our job to not just protect our children but communicate with our children to help protect others. 

CODE WORDS

Pick a simple word or phrase that your child can use to communicate to you that they are feeling uncomfortable or unsafe but can't say it. Especially at a large family gathering, party, sleepover etc - so they can talk to you in front of others, or on a phone call and you know that they need your help, and that you will respond. 

It could be something like "I need my teddy." Whatever works for you and your child. It's not easy for anyone to come out and say that something inappropriate is happening - in front of others or creating a scene by wanting to talk to a parent in a private may make it even more difficult. It is our goal to make our kids know we are aware that they may not always be safe with friends, family, etc. and to make it as easy as possible for them to ask for help when they need it.

TALKING TO STRANGERS

The idea that kids should never talk to strangers actually put them at a greater risk if they find themselves in a situation where they are isolated and need assistance.

When you feel you child is ready to understand teach them to engage in a simple conversation with others when you are out together. Communication is a skill and it is not just about words, but also about body language. After such interactions you can discuss your thoughts about the person or even 'test' your child to look at a crowd in a busy mall and see who they would ask for help if they needed it.

Statistically speaking, men are more likely to sexually abuse than women. Most experts recommend that children in need, seek out woman especially a 'mom' with children or an older woman.

Observe body language together, the way a person smiles, how they stand, where they put their hands, and/or their eye movement. These are important skills in helping out children hone their own sense of instinct and also gaining the ability to speak confidently with others.

THE SEX TALK

From the age of 7 to 10 most professionals agree that puberty and sexual intercouse myst be explained to our kids. This may be an advantage for your children because your child most likely will have access to this information from older siblings or siblings of friends and will be exposed to less informative and accurate information about human sexuality. The more they learn before you have the chance to share information in a nurturing and open way, the more embarrassed they will be to talk about it with you. 

By talking to your child at an early age you make it comfortable for them to talk to you about sex. They will be more likely to come to you if they have a question versus their friends or someone/something else. Studies have shown that children who are educated on sex by their parents are less likely to become sexually active at a young age. If you can instill with them the special nature and purpose of sex, they will have more respect for it and for themselves/others.  

BULLYING

Characteristics of sexual abuse committed by minors and bullying are often similar:

• impulsive, aggressive behavior
• a positive attitude towards violence
• lack of empathy toward bullied or less popular children
• a need to dominate others, be popular and in control 

Sexual abused and bulled children also share likely characteristics:

• change in clothing and/or appearance
• moodiness, anxiety, withdrawal
• feigning illness, sleeping more
• low self esteem, eating disorders, depression

Bullies may be more prone to target less confident, less popular or younger peers/children for abuse and exploitation. Conversely children with lower self esteem may be more at risk to be abused because they may look to feel accepted, liked by their peers and find themselves in situations that compromises their safety.

When children are sexually abused by a peer, they're often shamed, exploited and mocked in school. Meanwhile, many of their peers fall into the bystander category, they don't necessarily condone what is happening to the bullied/abused child but they do not know what do about it or are hesitant to do so and face negative attention.

SIBLINGS

Sibling abuse is thought to be one of the most under reported forms of child sexual abuse. There is limited data on the prevalence but the most common form reported involve an older brother victimizing a younger sister.

Understanding sexuality and experiencing puberty can be confusing for children, the last thing we want is a sexually curious child using a younger sibling to experiment or use as an outlet for their sexual urges.

What Can We Do:

• Listen to your child and investigate if they are complaining about their older sibling, especially if it involves bullying, controlling, or display violent behavior. And especially if there are allegations of sexual interaction.
• Consider the sibling dynamic: nurturing older siblings may feel more protective of their younger siblings, while children that try to exert dominance or even bully their siblings most definitely need correction, guidance, and increased supervision.
• Remind older siblings that sexual interaction is only appropriate between two consenting, non related, mature people of the same age, and that masturbation is acceptable but is a personal and private act.
• Address issues of curiosity about the opposite sex, early. There is nothing wrong with a child understanding and knowing how the sexual organs of girls and boys look and function. Especially for boys, it would be great if more men understood menstruation and pregnancy, and were raised to respect what women go through every month rather than use it to tease and belittle females. And likewise for girls to understand that penis size is not the end all and be all of being a 'man' and sympathizing that boys cannot control erections and may feel very sensitive about this, especially in public settings.